Oops

So I'm thinking I'm going at this whole dating thing in reverse. I realize that I have that problem where I think like a guy so I go for what's in the pants first then try to make some sort of relationship out of it. But let's be honest, what goes on in the sheets is extremely important & if you don't have chemistry there then there's no point in trying to start something. And I'm not the type to jump into the sack with any person I haven't at least had a decent conversation with.

But like I said that's a problem. I meet these guys & I think "I could really go for this guy. He's funny, cute, appears to have his shit together. Might as well test drive the car before I buy it" But then I remember the next morning that guys STILL to this day don't think of girls as long term if they put out. And I think it's BS. At least I can say that I don't have one night stands. We call these guys randoms or SQUIRRELS. Because ya never know when you're going to run into them again or even call them up & might as well keep it all friendly as most of us have mutual friends. How else would we have met them right.

But it's so damn frustrating. I'm a nice girl. I've got a good head on my shoulders. I have a good job & I'm pretty responsible. I'm a girl, who for the most part knows what I want. I have a crazy side for sure & I like to party like it's NYE every weekend. So why is it so damn hard to find a guy that's nice. Has a good job, if not a job PERIOD. Knows how to have a good time. Can make me laugh. Can have an intelligent conversation. And knows when to tell my drunk ass that its times to leave the bar. I'm legitimately certain that the guy I'm looking for doesn't exist.

Ok... gotta run. xoxo

Really now I'm pissed

People are just fucking idiots a lot of the time. Especially people that you try to remain friends with throughout the years. Even though you know they aren't worth a shit. But you know that even though they have flaws you'd do anything for them. But just because incidents occur & you don't want to take sides other people automatically write you off as one of "them". So to those people who would rather test the waters of your friendship than accept that sometimes there just isn't a side to be picked I say fuck you & you must not have placed any value on a 12 year friendship anyway.

My friendships have always been very important to me. And even though there was a period of time where I lapsed on those friendships they have now become the most important things that I value in my life. So I remain a neutral person when I see that two groups of people that I love very much have a disagreement.

Needless to say I'm crushed. It breaks my heart. I've had sleepless nights over things that I can't help or repair. If I see that something isn't right & I'm asked about it, then yes I'm going to point it out. But if not asked then there's no reason for me to share my opinion. Opinions are like assholes everybody got em'.

I've been on this roller coaster for the last year of my life. My ups & down have been enough to make me nauseous, but through this all I've found that there are select people who have held up the puke bucket & pulled back my hair. And these are people that I would return the favor.

I'm just frustrated. I can barely think straight. I want to scream profanities from the rooftops & throw stones at glass houses. I want to tell everyone to grow the fuck up and act like civilized adults, instead of the "well so & so doesn't like them so I'm not going to either" high school bullshit. You don't HAVE to like anyone & nobody HAS to like you, but choose for yourself why you don't like that person & don't let anybody elses opinion of that person decide for you. We should all be open minded individuals at this point in our lives. And if you can't decide for yourself then you might as well join a cult or something cause you need some being to make decisions for you.

So it has been said

That I think like a guy. I'm pretty sure I know where this stems from. And let me start off by saying that I don't think that I'm wrong because guys have been doing the same shit for years. I realize that it's not right for them to do so I shouldn't think that it's ok for me to do it.

So yes.. I do treat guys like they're only good for one thing. And that's usually for my personal satisfaction. Because quite frankly that's usually what I am to them. I'm not looking for a relationship (like I thought I wanted), I don't want some guy that I need to tell my every move to and I certainly don't want some guy that I have to justify my actions to. I like to drink and I like to have fun. I think that I have every right to. I was in a 7 year relationship that hindered the real me. So if I want to get drunk & take a guy home then I have every right to. And more often than not I wouldn't mind if he were gone within the first 10 minutes of me waking up. I don't want to entertain them or talk to them about what I'm going to do with the rest of my day, I'm not going to cook them breakfast and I don't want to go anywhere with them later that day.

I am aware of what kind of girl this makes me sound like but trust me I'm not that bad. There are a lot of people that would agree that my "numbers" aren't that high at all. All I'm saying is that I don't want to cozy with some guy. We all have needs and those are my needs that my girl friends can't meet.

With that being said, that is why I don't want to get into a relationship. I have some of the most amazing friends. Most of them have with me for the last 10 years and no they're not all girls. If all I want is a gigantic hug because I'm having a bad day I have a guy friend that I can call. If I just want to bitch and vent I have people to call for that. If something amazing happens and I'm just so excited I have friends to call for that. And almost anything a guy can do I know people for that too, for example; lifting really heavy stuff. I've got that covered. So yes, unless I call a guy a friend I like to either make them that way and/or keep them that way because otherwise you're just a tool.
xoxo

Rule #2

So now rule #2.... Deny, deny, deny.

This does not necessarily mean lie. But if you act like it didn't happen then who is to say that it did? For me this rule is sort of backwards. Most people would say that you should deny it all. Kinda like cheating per se. For me this rule means to deny any feelings you may have. Whatever they might be. If I really like someone I might tell everyone that I think he's cool. If I'm in love with someone then I'd just straight up say that I like him a lot. I don't like to admit when I love someone, well because I easily could love someone. But being IN love with someone is whole different thing. It's easy for me to fall in love with someone, but I fall out of love just as easily.

I'm a truthful girl with a wandering eye. If I'm seeing someone & I hook up with someone else then I always come clean about it. This is because I don't like secrets & I feel terrible about whispering behind someones back. I wouldn't want someone to make a joke out of my feelings so I won't do that to someone else. I will though keep details out of what I really done. There's no reason to cause anyone more "pain" than necessary.

So deny deny deny is more like lie lie lie. And I'm not as good a liar as I used to be. I can't put on a straight face and feed someone bullshit. But what I can do is make up a portion of the truth and mix it with something that makes the other person feel warm & fuzzy. This is part of me growing up. I don't like to hurt peoples feelings the way that I used to. Before I could lie straight to your face and if the occasion required it I could cry on cue. But now I just don't like to see people hurt and the only reason I can come up with is because I know I've hurt A LOT of people in my past and I'm just waiting for karma to bitch slap me.

DENY DENY DENY was a rule created not by me, but this is just my interpretation of it.

xoxoxo

There are rules...

Being a single woman now I find that there are rules that apply. First let me say that it's expensive being single. And since I used to be married I figure I am a capable of explaining the difference in what you spend. One. The amount of money spent in hair removal. I know that this may seem like a funny subject, but it's one that deserves some attention. Let me start off by saying that I am a woman who waxes. Everything. So the times that there is ever a razor in my shower is for touch ups in between the time that I don't have the time to go see my favorite waxer. And that shit ain't cheap. So for the women who actually shave they probably go through a good portion of money in razors and shaving cream. Not to mention the amount of time and attention paid to shaving. So as a married woman you can pretty much decide when you're going to shave. Like when you feel like wearing a tank top, or shorts and most importantly you know when you're going to "put out". There usually aren't any surprises about who is going to show up at your doorstep. Now as a single woman. You have to constantly be on the top of your game. Single woman usually go out with no ideas about what's going to happen that night. So you have to make sure that any surface of your body is in the right condition to be exposed.

Now the hair that is on our head. As a married woman I feel that I really had no reason to keep up with my highlights every 4 weeks or do my hair everyday that we went out in public. Being that I was already married & since my hair was kinda my thing for awhile I didn't feel the need to grab some random guys attention. I know some of you are thinking, really hair? You're hair was your thing? Most of you know I have naturally curly hair & I've always been a risk taker with my hair & I keep it healthy. So yes my hair is my thing. Don't ask any questions. Besides hair is one of those things that does grab guys attention. I'm sure that it has something to do with guys imagine pulling it or running their fingers through it. So anyway as a single woman, you have to make sure your hair is always in the right place. You really can't go out without doing it. For me that means either a shit ton of hair spray or an hour spent running a flat iron through it. If you have any sort of color put into your hair that means getting your roots done every 4-6 weeks. And that's at least 80-100 bucks a time. I used to get my hair colored but now I just don't have the time. I'm not the type who likes to make appointments. I just want to go in & get it done.

There's clothes, shoes, accessories, lip gloss, gym memberships, alcohol, nails & pedicures, cute little somethings & plastic surgery(lol).

So with ALL that being said the first rule is: Free food is free food. Now whether this is food coming from dinner with your parents, relatives or on a date. Oh we can feed ourselves no doubt, but all women like to be seen, so going out as oppose to staying in is a lot more ego boosting. So if we agree to go out on a dinner date with you don't always assume it's because we're into you. It could be because we're just tired of cooking for ourselves. Now if we go more than once it's probably because we do enjoy your company & its free food. Now I really don't mean to sound like a bitch by all this, but it's the truth. And it doesn't even go for single women or single people in general. Ask anyone to breakfast, lunch or dinner and tell them you'll pay & you can bet that they'll likely say yes. It's the FREE FOOD rule. We single women though will drop any plans or prior engagements to jump on the free food bandwagon.

I wish I could go into greater detail about this whole free food thing, but it's pretty cut & dry. Women as a gender are pretty damn expensive. And it's 75% looking good for guys, 15% looking good just to make ourselves feel good about ourselves and it's 10% looking good to make other girls jealous as hell. We all relish in the fact especially that when we run into a girl we disliked in the past & looking damn better than she does now.

More rules to come. It doesn't stop there.
xoxo

Is it the chase or the butterflies I'm looking for?

Like I've said before, I just can't get this dating thing right. I can't decide what I like more "The Chase" or The Butterflies".

The chase is always fun because you feel like you've reached a goal once you've acquired the person that you're after. In the chase scenario you play both the chaser & the chasee. You play like you're aloof and you don't care. But you also give just enough of yourself to keep them coming back for more. Although the other person does the exact same thing. This at times is troubling. Sometimes you play too aloof and the other person gives up. But if you give too much of yourself the other person knows they can have you. And then the guy acts too aloof and you think he's a dick. It's really a never ending game. And I'm not too big on games. But I do like the chase. Really it makes no damn sense.

Then there's the butterflies... awww... cue the birds singing and running through a meadow of sunflowers. The butterflies and sunflowers are definitely like spring in some small mid America city. I can't use Las Vegas as a city because the only thing that grows around here are tumbleweeds and cacti and as clumsy as I am I have no business running through a desert unless a very large squirrel is running after me. Because if it were a large mountain lion I'd first wonder if I'm really drunk and then I'd just stand there and sob. DANG! Sorry had a Michele moment and digressed.

Ok so yeah butterflies. I've always particularly liked the look of the monarch butterfly. PREEETTY. So butterflies>spring> new stuff> love. Are ya'll catching my thought process here? It's all about the newness of being in a relationship or having a relationship with someone. As I've said previously it's about learning the new things about each other, getting nervous when you see each other.Sweaty palms, blah blah blah. But on some rare occasions like my wonderful grandparents the butterflies last decades. They find new things to love about each other all the time. My butterflies last about as long as the chase portion do. Once I know that I can have you all the time whenever I want the fluttering of all those butterflies just makes me feel nauseous.

This is all actually quite sad. I've been told that I actually think like a guy. And that's not a good thing since I think that most guys are assholes. The single, player ones anyway. I don't think I'll ever just be satisfied. I'll just keeping on roaming this earth chasing something I can never find. I'm probably looking for the Holy Grail of love. I think I just want someone who will let me be me, be a freebird to do whatever I please but know when it's time to reign me back in. Shit! I could go on and on about what I want. That list changes everyday.

I really can't think of much else. I'm undecided about what I really want. All I know is what I don't want. And I find out those little things every second.
xoxo

a blog that I wrote a long time ago, to be followed up by a new one

I don't want to be in love. No way no how. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you susceptible to getting hurt. And I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

But I miss the butterflies. You know, that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you're going to see someone that you like, the kind of like that makes you blush at the thought of him. The sweaty palm syndrome you get when you're just within his reach. Or when you sit & daydream about him. The way your eyes glaze over while you're daydreaming of him. How you can feel the tingle in your toes & you fidget your hands when you do see him. The smile that slowly spreads across your face when you think about him. Or the childish giggle that escapes you when you see his name light up on your phone.

I miss all of it. I haven't felt that in so long. The Genesis of a new relationship, the new beginning. The getting to know one another. Finding out things about each other that you strangely enough have in common. Or the things you totally differ on, but don't judge each other for feeling that way. The taking new adventures together. The way you feel when you finally have your first kiss. Or the first time you hold hands & you find that his are just as clammy as your own.

I don't want to ruin this with my cynicism but that's just me I guess. Things like this don't really happen for girls like me. I can't even remember the last time I felt any of these things. I can't remember the last time the butterflies flew in my direction. I feel as though I never will.

One of my favorite quotes

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest & it opens up your heart & it means that someone can get inside you & mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you & then your life isn't your own anymore. Love take hostage. It gets inside you. It eats away at you & leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart-pain. I hate love.
~Neil Galman~

HAHA

So I can't get this whole dating thing right. I have this super sweet nice guy that I've been dating for a little while now, but after a few weak moments on my part I find that I'm not girlfriend material. Other problem is that for weeks that's all I wanted was to be his girlfriend. But it never happened. He said he was waiting for the right moment. I wasn't aware that there had to be a right moment to ask someone to be your GF. You're asking for a steady thing, not to put a ring on it. In fact something sporadic is just my style. You know like I'm about to shove a french fry in my mouth. It's moments like that, that are more memorable. Kinda like at that moment you have a revelation & you can't let a moment pass without putting it out in the universe.

Now I can't say that I've ever experienced any of those moments. Those a moments made in movies. Wait... I'm lying. I've actually had a movie moment. Picture this... pouring rain, driving around for a picnic, pull up to picnic scene, rain stops. Get out of vehicle sit at picnic spot which happens to be a pier. My Girl playing in the background, talking, laughing, mile wide grin on face. Finish eating, pack up picnic, get in vehicle, pouring rain starts again. Now maybe if there had been some great kiss in the middle of this it would count as MTV Best Kiss Golden Popcorn worthy. But there was no kiss & that's as close as I've come to movie moment. But it's definitely something that has actually profoundly changed my thinking of men. Now of course if this guy that pulled out all this bullshit were remotely able to get his own shit together we could probably be great together. The world could be our playground. But needless to say he doesn't have his shit together & I'm not even the kind of girl he would even want. I was his playground & that's just about it. He wasn't the first guy to think of me this way & he won't be the last.

So I can't find this happy median in men. I've found the ones that are always there. You know the ones that want to know what you doing, where you're going, who are you with, what time you get out of bed & could probably be correct in guessing what time I take a shower in the morning. It's kind of irritating. Let me breath once in awhile. I'm an Aries! I need space every now & then. But then I also find the guys that for the most part ignore me & get pissed that I'm not always around when they want me to be. To them I'd like to say "I'm sorry you have your life I think it's only fair that I have mine as well & if you don't like it then don't bother calling at all." Then there are those guys who are aloof all the time. You know that text & ask "what are you up to?" When you reply with "just hanging out at home", then they reply with "yeah me too" AND THAT'S IT! Like ok, what was the point of texting, did you want to hang out out or did you just want to know what I was doing??? Next time I should say " ahh you know, just going pee". Ugh annoying...

Now I realize that in a world where some women are supposed to be demure and all that bullshit. I want to know what's wrong with women only wanting one thing. Whether it be friendship, a committed relationship, or just a "lover". Ok maybe there's nothing wrong with that except as women we're expected to keep that kind of stuff to ourselves. But I find that when we don't verbalize things like that & on a regular basis, men seem to let their imaginations get away from themselves. Like for instance... If I just want you for one thing, but I text/call more than once a week. Some guys will think that I want something more. To them I want to say "no asshole my needs just need to be met more than once a week" and you do the job to get those requirements met. I don't call an electrician to fix my plumbing.
Also if I want a committed relationship I tend to spend a lot of time with that specific person & it's because I enjoy spending my time with that person. So that should be your cue that you need to step it up & fast. I have little patience so when you see that I'm distant it's because I've gotten it in my head that you don't want the same thing so I move on. I have a hard time going backward. There is no reverse gear in this ride.
Now as for the friendship portion of this whole scenario. I become very vague as to how that's established. This is because I find it hard for guys & girls to be friends without something there. That "something" is usually love. I have a few guy friends & I love them. That's all there is there though. I spend a great amount of time developing these friendships. The love develops from a great amount of respect.  I respect the opinions of these guys, I listen to their advice & I know that they care a great deal about me. They never want to see me hurt, they've seen me cry & dried my tears. They've seen me fall apart & helped put me back together. They were there for me during the months of my divorce assuring me that what I wanted was more important then living my life just making someone else happy. For the most part they never think anyone is good enough for me, they respect me & they listen to my advice. They realize that I'm a unique individual & they know that they'll never encounter another girl like me in this world. In fact, these guy friends are past boyfriends so they've never even dated a girl like me. This world is one that two such individuals are not  good for each other & they're great for someone else, but that there's a reason why we were all brought together. Whether it's to learn from each other or it's to know that through love and respect you always get an upfront point of view from the opposite sex. Cause let's be honest we all have a hard time asking each other the questions that you don't really want the answer to. But when it comes from a friend who knows you then you know that their advice comes from the heart.

Ok so I'm done with that. I realize that this might paint a whole new picture of what anyone thinks I am. But it's the truth & unless you have this picture that I'm some kind of angel then I hate to shatter your dreams. Nonetheless, this is me.
xoxo

Let's Get This Party Started

First off let me start off by saying that I'm not trying to change the world by the blog nor do I believe that I have anything profound or awe inspiring to say. While I do have a lot of things to say about a good portion of topics this is mostly about me being self-absorbed with my own thoughts. Kind of like those chicks who always take pics of themselves & give the pouty look that ends up looking like fish faces. Now don't get me wrong I've done the same thing myself so I'm not going to rip those girls to shreds.

Ok so about me... I'm Michele (duh). But not only do I add a digit to the likely 5 million Michele's on this planet, I've been gifted with the name Michele "effing" <insert last name here> (By the very special friends in my life). And what that means is that I'm special enough to be added to the minds of certain people that they feel the need to add an expletive as my middle name. Which I suppose is ok with me, since I wasn't given a middle name in the first place. 

So anyway. Sorry I digressed. ME. I just turned 30 in April 2010. I am Filipino & Scottish (probably a scary combo). I was born in Texas (yes I have owners rights to the y'all), I've lived in Texas, California & England. But I call Las Vegas home & have for 22 years. I had a 9 month stint in a little city called Fallon, but I prefer to think of that as a boot camp to try to teach woman to be housewives. Let's just say I didn't make the cut.

And so yes I'm an Aries And in every sense of the astrological sign. I'm definitely fiery. I'm adventurous, self-centered, impulsive, independent, short-tempered, loyal, I forgive easily, but I never forget. I'm passionate & I love to love. And unfortunately being in any sort of relationship with me you're bound to get burned at some point.

I'm recently divorced. I was in a relationship for 6.5 years (dating & married) until one day I figured out that I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't like I intently set out to hurt this guy, but sometimes you have to do what you gotta do to make yourself happy for once. Simply put... I did at one point love this man & I made him my whole life. And that was the problem I lost myself. It was like he dimmed my light. I was like one of those fireflies you catch in a jar and after awhile I found my escape. I wish nothing but love and hope in his future. As I wish that he has the same hope for me.

The most important things to me are my family and friends. And there are even friends that I consider family that I would walk across burning coals for. I wouldn't be happy about it if I had to, but nonetheless I'd do it. They're the center of my life & anyone who knows me know THIS about me. Mess with my friends & you've mess with me. I'm hurtful & revengeful. I anger easily & I act out when I'm angry.

That's another problem I have. I get mad pretty easily. Usually at the opposite sex. And when I do I act out in manners that are irresponsible and just plain crazy. I've done things that some would shake their head at and others would high-five me for. But I try not to live life with regrets, just thoughts of "boy I'll never do that again". Or "I'm not gonna do that again for awhile".

Ok so to wrap this thing up. I'm Michele, I'm crazy, I've got no filter on my mouth & I'm very opinionated.
xoxo