Do I still get a trophy?

I was that child that could never wait until Christmas to open her presents. I'd go sneaking around looking in closets for my gifts. So what does that mean?

It means I didn't wait until exactly one year to give up on the celibacy thing. I chose to go at it 2 weeks before my one year was up. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of weeks and spent the night at his house. Of course it wasn't like "hey I'm here for the booty". We did actually go to sleep & cuddle. Woke up the next morning & had "breakfast". And much like Christmas morning when you've already opened your presents you're left disappointed & expecting more. It was like opening all your presents in 5 minutes. But what I wasn't expecting was for this guy to be a douchebag. He gave off the vibe that we were friends and that sleeping together wouldn't change anything. Boy, was I wrong. Not only did I get the wham bam thank you maam, but I got an apology because he felt bad because my one year was such a big deal. And here two weeks later I'm still left wondering how someone who seemed like a legit guy is actually a douchebag.

I mean I've dealt with these types for a very long time. Which is actually why I put myself through my self-imposed celibacy. But i wasn't looking for a relationship with this guy by any means. He wouldn't exactly fit in with my friends. But I guess I convinced myself that maybe he was different. Or perhaps he's just a good liar. All I can think is that it's such a shame because i'm actually an amazing friend. And I'm usually pretty fun to hang out with. Now although my feelings were hurt, I don't want to be angry about it. Like I said I'm used to getting this. I've actually been treated worse by far better men. My friends keep telling me "stop being nice to him" or they tell me that i'm not over it. I'm nice because I don't have room in my heart for anger and I'm sure that if he should ever run into any of my friends he might actually get spit on or punched by one of the guys. And as for not being over it. I am. I never wanted to be together with this guy, as I've mentioned he wouldn't mesh with my group. I never wanted to date him or bring him as my plus one to my MB's wedding. I suppose though if I were to think about it what I'm not over is that men still treat women this way. And in this way I mean like shit. If you're going to put forth any time into developing a friendship then stick with it after the breakfast. I mean if it were just about the "breakfast" he could've just said "hey, call me on June 25th".

So with all that being said. I still think I deserve a trophy & that guy shouldn't count. It was just like getting the pipes cleared out, right? I'm not saying that I need to be in a great romantic relationship with the next guy i'm with. But what I have learned is that I'm still no better judge of character than I was 1 year ago. Men are still fucked up. I do know that I deserve better than to be just another notch on some guys headboard and guys deserve more than just to be a notch on mine. I won't ever treat guys like I did before and I can still realize that sex does ruin everything unless you're in a meaningful relationship. I'm also not saying that I expect that the next guy I date I will marry and live happily ever after with. But I do have hope that there is someone out there for me, who respects me & deserves me. I have a lot to offer. I have a kind heart, amazing friends, an openess that is rare, i'm thoughtful & I would go out of the way just to show someone that I care.

But now that I've reached that goal. I'll have to come up with another one. Because even though I barely made, it's the closest thing to feeling like I've completed something in a very long time.

xoxo

And so it continues...

So as the story continues. I spent most of summer staying out of trouble. Until I ran into a past hook up. Of course I'd already had my mind made up that I was sticking to this celibacy thing.

Plan was that I knew that I was going to run into this guy. And I had to look amazing. Because frankly, this guy was a dick whom I only see once a year. So I showed up at a party knowing that I looked like hot stuff. I had to leave the party early due to plans & as I was leaving he stopped me in the road to get my phone number. He met up with me at the bar I was at and then to make a long story short I went back to his place with him. We may have kissed a bit before I told him I was going to sleep. The guy is a total ass so I believe it is my job to treat them as much. Get them all worked up just to leave them hanging. Yes I am well aware of what a teasing bitch this makes me. And I'm ok with that. I went home & haven't talked to him since. I do hope to see him again & treat him like the ass he is.

My next hook up was a physicist from Reno that I met on NYE on Fremont. Now I'm not in the habit of hooking up with random strangers. But I was up for a new story. And the thought of hanging out with this super hot nerd was kind of hot. This guy was not the nerd I expected. He was funny, had a hot body & really sweet. We only hung out for a day, but I was sticking to my guns on this celibacy. Needless to say I DID NOT sleep with him & apparently telling someone "you're not easy" does not insure a call after the other has returned home. I'm okay with this. Quite frankly, the super smart thing doesn't do it for me. I'm into trending & he was into physicist stuff. And The Big Bang Theory is apparently bullshit. But he made for a good story & some funny inside jokes. Example... I tell these guy about my favorite shot from my favorite bar is called Blue Balls. When they ask what's in them I say something about blueberry vodka. Physicists says "oh I thought they were shots that never come". Freaking hilarious. And who doesn't love a sense of humor. I suppose this group of guys only see each other once a year in Vegas for NYE, but I don't suppose I'll ever hear from him. Ok by me.

So it's now been over 11 months and what did I learn? I'll tell you when I figure it out..

A Little Late

So I should've started this approximately 11 months ago and posted periodically. But let's face it I don't come up with genius at the start anyway. So this first post will be about how I came up with idea or goal as it stands right now.

So I guess to start with I should state that I have been celibate for the last 11 months and have decided that I would remain so for one year. Yes that means no sex. None and I mean NONE! So you may ask yourself why would a perfectly healthy, happy 31 year old undergo such torture?

The last time I had sex was with someone who was not important and treated me the same. Not important.  And as crass as it sounds he was someone that I hooked up regularly. So afterwards I thought "well that sucked". I suppose you can only have so much meaningless sex before you realize that maybe there's a reason virginity is such a big deal.

So my mission started out as I'm never hooking up with him again! And I didn't, even after he text me twice a week for a month. Eventually I just stopped responding. So after I realized what the last two years had been like I realized that there was a lot of nothing special going on.

At first this was just going to last until I found someone that I wanted to be together with so that sex would be special again. But there's slim pickings in this city when it comes to finding anyone worth a damn. Yes I realize that's fucked and someone could say the same about me, but they're not writing this, I am. So needless to say it was a long summer. One that was very uneventful, which was fine by me. I think I was still reveling in the productive 2 years I'd had.

Now don't go judging me. I wasn't super whore or anything. I recycled. I just really don't think I cared about any of them. I went through my moments where I wondered why I wasn't girlfriend material for any of them, but knew I'd never actually date any of these guys. I hardly wanted to wake up the next morning next to these guys let alone have them hang out with me & my friends.

So that's how it all started. Wanting something more. Please realize I'm a genuine person with genuine feelings. I'm not some crazy sex deprived nympho. I'm just misunderstood. I'll pick back up tomorrow. xoxo