As a reminder

With all the drama that's taken place the last couple of weeks I'm reminded of a few things about myself. One being that all the actions of people are a reminder of why I don't date. People are so hurtful & put their agenda ahead of peoples feelings. Men & women these days just don't care how their actions affect other people. Then they make up excuses for why they did what they did. I don't date for the simple reason that I bear the burden of falling in love. Every time I've loved someone it always ends. I see the pain that my friends have experienced all in the name of love & I'm the one that has spoken up to those that have hurt them. Because it's not ok for people to treat others with such disregard of their feelings. It's not ok for someone to make a place in the lives of someone I care for & love, then trample over their hearts. And it hurts me because there's really nothing I can do about. I can scream profanities & tell them that they'll find better. But who knows when that will come around. And when it happens time after time they lose faith.
I've always taken care to try not to fall in love. Because every guy that has had a part of my heart has mistreated it in some way. Not to say that I haven't done the same. Every guy that I've had a serious relationship with has had to bear the burden of every mistake I've made or the mistakes of others. Let's face it, I'm not an easy person to be with. I'm stubborn, passionate, selfish, emotional, moody & I like to be in my own thoughts 80% of the time.
But I sit here in the last 15 years in my life & I've watched as guy after guy has come in & walk out of the lives of the girls I hold near to my heart. And that's not to say that I haven't watched girl after girl walk in & walk out of the lives of the guys I hold near to my heart. But guys recover faster than girls. They don't hold every hurt like we do. It's not like when a guy leaves he's a take piece of her with him. I mean there's part of my love all over the world at the moment. I'm a hard ass for a reason. Because I think that if there's anymore of me given away I might just disappear. Poof gone, no more Michele.
That's the other problem though. I love to love. Being in love & falling in love make me happy. Who isn't happy when they're in love though right? I get that all glowy feeling from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I love the butterflies. But I always catch myself because I'm always scared. I've honestly lost faith in love. In loving someone & being loved in return.

As a second reminder... All of this drama reminds me of why I've always been wishy washy about having children. I mean don't get me wrong. I've always wanted kids, but maybe it's more of a reminder of why I've always been scared to have them. I could never look in the eyes of a daughter after her first heartbreak. I think I'd die inside. I'd always want a daughter who could love with no boundaries & never have fear of being taken for granted. And I could never raise a son knowing that he might be the one to serve some unknowing girl her first heartbreak. I've also seen how children treat each other & quite frankly I couldn't handle my kid getting pushed around or teased. I've seen the way that men & women treat each other with such disregard & blame it on love. No matter who the love is for. It's just sad. It breaks my heart. It causes me to cry tears that I'll never show & to weep in silence. Because let's face it watching somebody cry, sob or mourn makes us all feel uncomfortable.

Now... I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I've never done any of these things. I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect. I've broken hearts & I've trampled over people like they're nothing. I've put my own agendas over others & I've said things that aren't sweet & rosy. But I'm a hypocrite. I don't judge though because I have no place to. My only defense is that they're hurting MY people. And I'll never stand for that.
xoxo

This isn't me...

I'm so angry about so many things these days & it upsets me that I feel this way. I don't like being mean. I don't like people who play like they're the victim when they're the ones who have hurt & lied to others. I don't want to be angry about those people who take advantage of the kindness that I've shown them.
But I am angry about it. How can someone just lie over & over again and make everyone think that I'm the bitch in the situation? I didn't just decide overnight that this person doesn't deserve to be treated with respect. She lied to me, she lied to my best friend, she's cheated continuously on her boyfriend & I see her taking advantage of someone that I care for very much. But she's making it seem as though I'm the one being childish. Like I'm the who has no reason to be upset. And like she's the victim in all of this. After we invited her into our home & into our lives. Showed her kindness like we would any other person we care about. Only for her to shit all over friendship, prove she's a liar & a manipulator. Told me that I should dump the guy I was seeing because according to her, he treated me like shit. Then to turn around & be all buddy buddy with him & tell him that he's amazing. Yeah I knew he was amazing too, but after HER convincing I started to think differently.

Like I said I don't want to be angry about this. That's not who I am anymore. I want to live my life surrounded by love, friendship that outlasts time & space, and genuine people. My heart is not happy by what I'm feeling inside. I'm hurt. I feel used. And I feel like it isn't fair that nobody sees this person for what she is.

I only pray that I can be a better person. I know in my heart that I'm better than this. That there is a greater person that I can be. My friends & family are dear to my heart & anyone who knows me that all have an open invitation to be part of that.