I was that child that could never wait until Christmas to open her presents. I'd go sneaking around looking in closets for my gifts. So what does that mean?
It means I didn't wait until exactly one year to give up on the celibacy thing. I chose to go at it 2 weeks before my one year was up. I'd been talking to this guy for a couple of weeks and spent the night at his house. Of course it wasn't like "hey I'm here for the booty". We did actually go to sleep & cuddle. Woke up the next morning & had "breakfast". And much like Christmas morning when you've already opened your presents you're left disappointed & expecting more. It was like opening all your presents in 5 minutes. But what I wasn't expecting was for this guy to be a douchebag. He gave off the vibe that we were friends and that sleeping together wouldn't change anything. Boy, was I wrong. Not only did I get the wham bam thank you maam, but I got an apology because he felt bad because my one year was such a big deal. And here two weeks later I'm still left wondering how someone who seemed like a legit guy is actually a douchebag.
I mean I've dealt with these types for a very long time. Which is actually why I put myself through my self-imposed celibacy. But i wasn't looking for a relationship with this guy by any means. He wouldn't exactly fit in with my friends. But I guess I convinced myself that maybe he was different. Or perhaps he's just a good liar. All I can think is that it's such a shame because i'm actually an amazing friend. And I'm usually pretty fun to hang out with. Now although my feelings were hurt, I don't want to be angry about it. Like I said I'm used to getting this. I've actually been treated worse by far better men. My friends keep telling me "stop being nice to him" or they tell me that i'm not over it. I'm nice because I don't have room in my heart for anger and I'm sure that if he should ever run into any of my friends he might actually get spit on or punched by one of the guys. And as for not being over it. I am. I never wanted to be together with this guy, as I've mentioned he wouldn't mesh with my group. I never wanted to date him or bring him as my plus one to my MB's wedding. I suppose though if I were to think about it what I'm not over is that men still treat women this way. And in this way I mean like shit. If you're going to put forth any time into developing a friendship then stick with it after the breakfast. I mean if it were just about the "breakfast" he could've just said "hey, call me on June 25th".
So with all that being said. I still think I deserve a trophy & that guy shouldn't count. It was just like getting the pipes cleared out, right? I'm not saying that I need to be in a great romantic relationship with the next guy i'm with. But what I have learned is that I'm still no better judge of character than I was 1 year ago. Men are still fucked up. I do know that I deserve better than to be just another notch on some guys headboard and guys deserve more than just to be a notch on mine. I won't ever treat guys like I did before and I can still realize that sex does ruin everything unless you're in a meaningful relationship. I'm also not saying that I expect that the next guy I date I will marry and live happily ever after with. But I do have hope that there is someone out there for me, who respects me & deserves me. I have a lot to offer. I have a kind heart, amazing friends, an openess that is rare, i'm thoughtful & I would go out of the way just to show someone that I care.
But now that I've reached that goal. I'll have to come up with another one. Because even though I barely made, it's the closest thing to feeling like I've completed something in a very long time.
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment