a blog that I wrote a long time ago, to be followed up by a new one

I don't want to be in love. No way no how. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you susceptible to getting hurt. And I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

But I miss the butterflies. You know, that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you're going to see someone that you like, the kind of like that makes you blush at the thought of him. The sweaty palm syndrome you get when you're just within his reach. Or when you sit & daydream about him. The way your eyes glaze over while you're daydreaming of him. How you can feel the tingle in your toes & you fidget your hands when you do see him. The smile that slowly spreads across your face when you think about him. Or the childish giggle that escapes you when you see his name light up on your phone.

I miss all of it. I haven't felt that in so long. The Genesis of a new relationship, the new beginning. The getting to know one another. Finding out things about each other that you strangely enough have in common. Or the things you totally differ on, but don't judge each other for feeling that way. The taking new adventures together. The way you feel when you finally have your first kiss. Or the first time you hold hands & you find that his are just as clammy as your own.

I don't want to ruin this with my cynicism but that's just me I guess. Things like this don't really happen for girls like me. I can't even remember the last time I felt any of these things. I can't remember the last time the butterflies flew in my direction. I feel as though I never will.