Sometimes I never even know what to say or write. I've got a bazillion thoughts going through this brain of mine. So I guess I'll just throw them out there.
Don't tell me that you love me & that I should've married you. If I've know you since I was 14 years old chances are that I think of you as a brother. If all I do is nod & blush it's because I'm embarrassed. Don't wait until I'm 31 years old to spring on some bullshit like that. And don't tell your girlfriend that's what you think of me. It automatically gives her just cause to not like me. Another thing don't tell me this bullshit & not do anything about it other than text me occasionally because you want to get me naked. If you think that confessing some teenage love for me is an instant panty dropper your dead wrong. I don't know what kind of friend you think of me as. I swear some men just don't know where to draw the line. If you love me then you need come at me with some respect.
I'm feeling a little bit like a failure. At this point in my life I'm 31 years old & have just moved back in with my mother. I have a failed marriage under my belt, I don't own anything, I have nothing in savings & I've moved 4 times in the last 2 years since I left my ex husband. Oh yeah & I'm single. The only thing I've had comparable to a relationship in the last 2 years is dating a guy for approximately 2 months who never got the balls to ask me to be his girlfriend before I lost interest. I mean I'm glad that we never ended up BF/GF since the chemistry lacked greatly. I mean he seemed devastated when I told him that it was over, but how could he think that I was ok with the wish washy am I, am I not his girlfriend. And since I wasn't, well then I moved on.
So now... what the fuck is up with my guy friend saying crazy shit to me. Now I've known this guy for a very long time & wouldn't have said he's a friendly friend until recently. And by crazy I mean he says that I'm beautiful, gorgeous & he loves my laugh. Like really who the fuck says that?? My ex husband never even told me I was beautiful. That's right not once. He might have called me pretty a handful of times. But ya so friend saying crazy shit. It's crazy to me because we're friends right? I suppose I should just say it's drunk talk since he's drunk when he says it all. Now don't get me wrong I feel like I'm catching this insane chemistry thing & trust me I've been doing everything I can to get past it. But it's hard, we get along, we have fun every time we're together, he remembers things that I actually say & oh yeah he's hot. But I've never thought of him as more than a friend, could be because we never really hung out. But now I'm getting these crazy ass feelings from out of nowhere & it's making me lose sleep. He's got a lot going on with him so I just listen to him. I can handle my feelings & give him logical advice since I'm always a friends first kind of girl. But fuck fuck fuck! There's more, but really what's the point. I'm sure I'm just one of those reads too much into shit kind of girls.
I'm finding it hard to focus right now too. I'm back in school but can't decide if I want to do photography or pastry. I love them both equally. So what am I going to do? Both of course. I swear I'm going to be in school until I'm 50, which isn't in the too future. Gosh I'm getting old. Even though I feel young let's face it we don't grow young.
The only thing that I really feel like is getting me through the hot mess I am right now is music. It's giving me every emotion. A song can make me happy, it can bring me to tears, it can put into words exactly what I'm feeling.
Guess I've babbled for long enough. Hopefully now that I've put this out into the universe I can get some sleep. xoxo
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